Joe Miller's Jests



An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry’d Woman, Pray, Sir, be quiet, said she, I have a Husband that won’t thank you for making him a Cuckold: No, Madam, reply’d he, but you will I hope.


One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s bent upon it.


Bully Dawson was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, ’Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.


A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. Hey day, says she, what do you fight after the French Way; take Towns before you declare War? No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.


Sir Godfrey Kneller, and the late Dr. Ratcliffe, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir Godfrey, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail’d up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, He did not Care what Sir Godfrey did to the Gate, so he did not paint it. This being told Sir Godfrey, he replied, He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick.


The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent for by Sir Edward Seymour, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a Diabetis, and upon the Doctor’s entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, So, Quack, said he, I’m a dead Man, for I piss sweet: Do ye, replied the Doctor, then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink damnably: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.


A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of Bos, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from Horace as a Motto, viz.

        ------ Optat Ephippia Bos ------

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read Latin, what that meant? It is as much to say, my Lord, said he, that you become Honours as a Sow does a Saddle. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred pounds to know the Author of it. I don’t know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry’d my Lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other: How, replied his Lordship, a dirty Dog, is that his Return to all the Favours I have done him and his Brother.


A wild Gentleman having pick’d up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Atonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; Well, says he, little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards.


One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask’d, what Estate she had? Oh, says another, a very good Estate in Tail.


In the great Dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark’d like a Cur: To which the other reply’d, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

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