The Mynope File

Category: Misc.

A Million to Juan (1994)

This ranks right up there with Poetic Justice on the “you didn’t really call your movie that, did you?” scale. He somehow ends up in possession of million dollars. His name is Juan. It’s all very wrong.

Juan Lopez (Paul Rodriguez)

Barb Wire (1996)

You want to know what’d be a great title? Barbara Kopetski. Now that’s a movie title.

Barb Wire/Barbara Kopetski (Pamela Anderson)

Crossing Jordan (2001)
TV series

You best not be crossing Jordan, or she’ll commit malpractice on your ass.

Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh (Jill Hennessy)

Deliver Us From Eva (2003)

This movie marks a thrilling milestone in cinematic history: the precise moment James Todd Smith (a.k.a. LL Cool J) changed his billing from “LL Cool J” to “James Todd Smith aka LL Cool J.”

Eva (Gabrielle Union)

Even Steven (2002)

What do you mean, I’m Darrell Warren? I’m “Pierre,” I tell you!

Steven Adams, Sr. (Joe Devarenne)

Everything’s Jake (2000)

This is a locution long overdue for a revival. “It’s jake with me.” “Things are jake.” Nobody seems to know the origin of this piece of slang, but it’s doubtful it has anything to do with Jamaican ginger, the patent medicine that crippled thousands during Prohibition.

Jake (Ernie Hudson)

Great Scott! (1992)
TV series

If Fox had called this show Great Melrod!, it would be entering its 13th successful season and Tobey Maguire’s career would be very different.

Scott Melrod (Tobey Maguire)

Joan of Arcadia (2003)
TV series

Not only a conveniently named character, but a conveniently named town. You see, Joan thinks one of her classmates at Arcadia High School, God, is talking to her. Or something. Amber Tamblyn’s dad is Russ Tamblyn.

Joan Girardi (Amber Tamblyn)

Tru Calling (2003)
TV series

A girl named Tru has the ability to relive the previous day and prevent deaths. The working title of this show (discounting the original working title, Groundhog Day: The Series) was “Heroine.” That’s not a bad title. “Tru Calling” is a bad title. But at least her name isn’t Nature.

Tru Davies (Eliza Dushku)

Tru Confessions (2002)
TV movie

What sane television critic could resist giving this Disney Channel movie the two-word review “Tru Blew”? Which is a shame, because it looks like it was pretty good, for a Disney Channel movie. A mynope always hurts, it never helps.

Trudy “Tru” Walker (Clara Bryant)

The End As I Know It: A Novel of Millennial Anxiety, by proprietor Kevin Shay, is now available in paperback.

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